I thought I had a good grasp on what it was I was looking for in a relationship. In fact, I thought I had such a good grasp, that I convinced myself that 5 simple things would lead me to dating bliss. But as I started putting it all down on paper and examining them, I found that I still have some learning to do.

The first one was easy, a no brainer. You have to have your own place. However, Deal Breaker #1 has also been the easiest one for me to ignore. It really doesn’t make any sense to come up with these things if I’m not going to commit to them.

Then there was Deal Breaker #2. It was an easy concept to grasp. Let’s keep our friends when we’re dating. But no sooner had my fingers left the keyboard when I got to thinking about how much time I spend doing everything but spending time with anyone I’m dating. There’s always somewhere else to go and someone else to go with. It’s one friend after another, with no time for a relationship. These Deal Breakers were meant to help me start a relationship, not make it impossible.

My original deal breaker #2 was employment. Yes, I want to date someone who has a job. Call me crazy. However, it seemed a little silly to say that because the first deal breaker was you have to have your own place. If you have your own place, then you must be paying for it. If you are paying for it, then you must have a job or some form of income. Irony is one thing, redundancy is another.

Number 3 took on a life of its own. Originally, I was going to talk about vices and bad habits, but the more I thought about it, the less I liked the idea of someone liking me for all the bad things I do. I screw up sometimes, but no one wants to date a guy who’s screwing up and still expects everyone to be fine with it. In the classic transference defense mechanism, I put all the responsibility on my partner. When I started to think about it, the surprise wasn’t all that great, and she probably had every right to get mad.

I thought all this would be easy. I was going to lay it all out there and be honest about what I’m looking for, but when it came right down to it, I wasn’t being honest with myself. I put up all these ludicrous expectations without even thinking about how hard they must be to achieve. I didn’t come up with these deal breakers to try to find someone. I came up with them to keep me from finding someone. The more I analyzed what I was doing, the more ridiculous it seemed. It’s easy enough to point fingers and criticize, but I haven’t really come up with any solutions to the ins and outs of dating.

So Deal Breaker #4 isn’t so much a Deal Breaker any more. It’s more of a mantra. A friend told me today that right from the beginning you should put all your cards on the table. Be as honest as you can at the start, because eventually everything comes out. If you start off a relationship with misconceptions and hidden agendas, there’s no way it will work.

And just like that, my whole perception changed. It took me two years to come up with those stupid Deal Breakers and a few fleeting moments to throw them all away.