Elizabeth: The Unwritten Laws of Dating
According to girl folklore—the cautionary tales we’ve recounted over drinks or as we're pushing hangers along the department store sales racks—there are certain things you should never do when you first start dating someone. Like bad-mouthing an ex-boyfriend (or even worse, crying about one), merely mentioning daddy issues, or gushing about how ready you are for an obscenely large engagement ring/home in the 'burbs with a minivan full of babies.
Some of these crimes we've committed personally. Others we've heard about from a friend—or a friend of a friend—who has committed a first or second date sin so horrific that Mr. Right disappeared to wherever boys disappear to when they don't call us back. These tales are usually horrific enough to scare us straight.
However, when it comes to avoiding the biggest blunder of all, well, that's not as simple. But I’m getting ahead of myself. For those of you wondering if I had a second date with The Graduate, the answer is yes. After a spectacular first date, I accepted an invite to watch a movie at his place.
Getting to Know Him Rule No. 1: You can tell a lot from a guy's pad. Hence, you should never turn down the opportunity to channel Nancy Drew and case the joint. If a guy is sleeping on a futon and eating SpaghettiO’s at a table he's fashioned of crates from the dumpster, it’s obvious that he has the emotional maturity of a fourth grader.
But The Graduate has it together. His place is (gasp!) larger than mine, his fridge is better stocked and he's got far more furniture. His bed is even more mature. We’re talking 1,000 thread count sheets, memory foam and pillows galore. How do I know, you ask? Because I slept in it.
Okay, so there wasn't much sleeping going on in that bed. But in my defense, there was wine, candles and hours worth of a stellar cuddling on the couch. And then there was the matter of all that chemistry.
I won't spill the dirty details in this blog because a) this is not soft porn, b) things on the Internet live on forever and c) I want my future children to think of mommy as semi-chaste. (For anyone who's just dying to know, let's just say that The Graduate set the bar pretty high for 23-year-old guys the world over.)
But that's beside the point. The real issue here is I left his apartment teetering between freaking out and elation. Had I fallen into the quicksand, the kind my girlfriends—and their friends, the friends of those friends, their hairstylists and on and on—say you can't escape? Girl folklore is clear on the ramifications of sex too soon: Do it and you're doomed to a relationship that's based solely on sex.
So, girls and boys, what do you think? Is there such a thing as a sex-too-soon curse? And if there is, can I escape it? I simply refuse to believe I'm destined to become the lead character in a cautionary tale titled “The Girl Who Gave It Up Too Soon.”
Comments
It's a shame women have to play games with sex. If a guy likes your personality, early sex will just make him like you more. just make sure he knows your personality.
Elizabeth, we know girl's Rule #1 is to snoop (some know this better than others). That's why we use the home field advantage and invite you over. We can leave books out, or put interesting pictures up. And, the bed is right down the hall building sexual tension the whole date.
Good move on The Graduate's part. He knew what he was doing...as I'm sure you did. So, sounds like a perfect match.
Posted by: mike | April 17, 2008 12:48 PM
Got to agree with Danielle knowing what you want does not make you easy but it makes you more empowered. As long as you can take responsibilty for your actions i do not see what the problem is!
Posted by: plaky | April 17, 2008 5:11 AM
Unfortunately yes-- there is such a thing. While every so often you can get away with it, generally, sleeping with a guy too soon can doom even the most promising of relationships. They like a challenge-- which you no longer are. On top of that, he's now starting to wonder how many other guys you've slept with this soon.
I hate this double standard, but the truth is, it still exists.
You'll start to see how he's going to handle it in the days following the "slip up." If he's not a total jerk, and is still interested, just be sure not to make yourself too available to him (time-wise), otherwise he'll get bored that much more quickly (I recently made this mistake myself). Men are like little children (or dogs) they need to be kept constantly occupied/challenged.
Posted by: Lauren | April 16, 2008 5:10 PM
I would have to say that as women we must begin to own our sexuality. Sex is a major part of every relationship. Who's to say that you don't spend the recommended 90 days conversing and falling in love and the man does not measure up. I do not know many women that would be willing to be in a relationship where the sex is not good (without cheating).
I am 26 years old and I have sex when I feel that I am ready be it the first night or first year, and I haven't had more than eight partners, including the time I hit rewind. Knowing what you want does not make you easy and it does not necessarily mean that you will not have lasting relationships. My first night romp around the mattress has lasted nearly four years and counting, you do the math.
Posted by: Danielle | April 16, 2008 1:43 PM
If there is great chemistry, you should be fine...generally you can tell the kind of guy that the sex too soon rule applies to.
Posted by: Susan | April 16, 2008 11:45 AM
Hmmm...that is a tough one. I have definitely heard of the sex-too-soon curse, but I tend to think that as we get older, it becomes less true. When you are younger, I think it applies for sure. I would say after about 25, you are ok to live in the moment and go for what you want, what ever that may be. I would say The Graduate is young enough for the sex-too-soon curse to apply. Oh wait...for guys, I don't think there is such a thing as sex too soon, so you are good!
Posted by: Erica | April 15, 2008 6:38 PM
well to all of the females who are dating i hope you are protecting yourself. because they are guys out here who really don't value life. just watch this video it is serious please take every word of it in!!!!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKmyP4ZScN4
Posted by: reese | April 14, 2008 8:11 PM