Single & Fierce - Meet Malena
So I'm the kind of girl who can talk to anyone about anything, which is why I became a journalist. But when it comes to romantic love, I only know how to talk with my body, through sex.
I discovered boys at 12. At the time, there was little holding me back. I was already an overly expressive and exuberant child, and since I can remember, speaking well was valued over obedience in my house, and finding my individuality was more important than fitting in. So when it came to boys, I dove boldly into the mix, knowing if I messed up, I could at least talk my way out of anything.
So like the over-achiever I was, I mastered the playground crush game overnight, majoring in heart-covered love notes with a minor in kissy face behind the tree.
I was so good, in fact, that I crowned myself queen of puppy love and wrapped my skinny body in the junior high school version of sexy: $10-slitted skirts, four-inch heels, belly shirts, and eyeliner thicker than football paint. Never mind that the stilettos made me tower over all the prepubescent boys I was trying to attract, sporting a B-cup, I knew I was coming into my own.
But at the start of high school, things changed. At 14, doctors said I needed glasses, and almost over night, my inner geek took charge and put my nymphette attire on clearance. Trading my skin-tight clothes for loose plaids and jeans, I looked aggressively asexual. But one boy, who clung to the memory of my hoochie days, asked me to be his girlfriend and we quickly became inseparable.
Two years later, we started planning for an accidental pregnancy. Condoms, who? Eternal love doesn't wear condoms, right? I was clueless. Plus, that's the age I felt romantic love—it was my first time having sex, and with a good dose of overactive hormones, that powerful beast ensnared my heart.
But since then, love has evaded me. After I lost my first lover senior year, I resorted to my pre-boyfriend, junior high school, dating tactics, giving so much of myself in an attempt to reclaim what I lost that I’m still rebounding, seven years later.
Dating and meaningless sex, dating and dishing -- throughout college, summer internships, moving to New York City -- dating and washing sheets, dating and pap smears, dating and lonely, late rides on the train...dating and romping... dating and trying to recapture the irreplaceable, blind passion of my first love. That was my method, until a chilly Monday evening this past October. After a desperate shake-down with a grumpy, not-in-a-million-years-will-you-meet-my-mama kind of guy, I called it quits. Walking home, the big idea struck me.
I needed to stop having sex.
The next day, I declared celibacy for one year. I knew celibacy would be a battle. When it comes to Manhattan and sex, it's hard not experiencing one without the other. But in the process (even though I’ve already fallen off the wagon twice) I hope to find the genuine intensity of those first experiences and remind myself why sex works so much better with intimacy.
- Malena
Comments
Hey Malena,
I can relate to you so much. I think I even kind of look like you. I was thinking of cutting my hair short, but then, I'd look like your stalker. I'm a 23 year old black woman, just like you... Anyways, I'm also someone who more than enjoys sex, but I have only been in relationships that do not last. If you're anything like I think you are, you're just afraid of getting hurt and are shielding yourself behind hot sex. Meaningful sex is so hard to get over... maybe you're still not over how hurt you were when you had it. You'll eventually have to face that fear.
You may also be blaming yourself for your shortcomings in relationships. I'm just throwing that out there. I hope it helps you and that it taps into what you feel a little bit. Otherwise, just consider it the delusionnal thoughts of an internet abuser who spends too much time on psychology websites. ;) Take care, and be strong!
Posted by: Missy | March 10, 2008 8:10 PM
Hi, Malena
The decision you made about sex is the best decision you could ever make. A relationship is not just about sex. When you have sex with someone, you should really care for him and he should really care for you. If a guy loves you, he will wait for sex. I do not have sex because I am saving myself for someone special.
Posted by: Ciara | March 4, 2008 7:11 PM
OMG! Malena you and I have so much in common. After hearing her speak about her past relationships I knew we had a lot in common. I have also been in less than considerable relationships and pretty much gave it up so fast that I was never considered to be a prospect for dating but an easy and quick hook up on the side line sorta thing. I've since then given that up as just my past. I have not dated, not talked and or chatted with men since the beginning of this year. It is my promise to myself and my determination to not give it up so fast and settle for less than what I deserve. I am also a single mom of one and has some pretty bad childhood experiences which I feel has alot to do with my sexual history and the men I have met. Thanks for airing this show, it was a really good insight into a much bigger reality than I could have imagined for I am not alone in this hectic dating world.
Posted by: donnetta | March 4, 2008 4:12 PM
Hi Mal
I love and appreciate the unquivering yet amusingly brual honesty. Seems like you are going through life with a monkey on your back and a chip on your heart. Moreover, you re chasing that first high(puppy love) which comes and goes naturallly throught the progression of life and maturity in general. Live& enjoy life and appreciate and understand who you are as a up and coming young woman; hopefullly a Lady in time. PS you are an attractive young beauideal I would love to meet.
Posted by: ron | March 3, 2008 10:27 PM
Thanks for the comments David, and Cheri, I'd love to hear more about how you've managed all these years since the age of sixish... wow...
Malena, the single one
Posted by: Malena, the single one | March 3, 2008 4:42 PM
At first I didn't think I could offer anything insightful, but the celibacy got me thinking. Your situation sounds a lot like an addiction. Whether it's alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, or sex, it's all addiction and its purpose is to temporarily relieve you of some pain. It will be easier to quit (so to speak) if there is no pain to relieve and intimacy is the answer that you touched on. Intimacy is based in deep friendship, an intense emotional bond with someone who acknowledges and accepts who you are without judgement. You find that first, and the sex can be special, singular to that one person that your "pain relief" sex could never accomplish.
Posted by: David | March 3, 2008 2:43 PM
I am so excited to be reading your blog. I've been having sex since the bold age of 6 ish... I've had more mistakes then I can count, but somehow, knowing someone else is trying to fix the same thing, makes it feel not so lonely out here.
Posted by: Cheri | March 3, 2008 11:03 AM
I think Malena should continue doing what her mind and body have always desired to do. As long as she is safe in all manners doing so. Life is too short to have limitations. I also believe that is another reason relationships and marriages do not work out is because of women and some men having limitations on what they should and should't do with each other. Tyra Rocks!!!!!
Posted by: Eddie | March 3, 2008 10:16 AM
Hello Tyra
I did not know that models like yourself can be so people minded. I first heard of you about 10 years, while passing a dayroom(I was in the military)I heard a commotion coming from the dayroom.....I went in just as you were signing out, finished an interview, or finished something that the soldiers was watching on TV. I caught a glimpse of you for the first time and asked one of guys, who was that? Who could make these guys hoop and holla with glee all over an interview. That's Tyra Banks a soldier replied. I said, OMG, to myself, I was impressed. Well, it wasn't till years later that I really needed to find out who was that lady? Suddenly your name started to popup just about everywhere, and it clicked with that vision that was still in my mind from the dayroom and my first impression of you. Well, I've being staying up most nights watching your shows on "Oxygen". Now that I'm retired, after a midday nap, I can stay up for your shows.
Smitten.....with joy, you go girl keep up the good work.
Posted by: Eddie Ramirez | March 1, 2008 11:59 AM
Dear Tyra,
Am chronical with your Programmes especially when Segregation in between colour of the Skin or Islamaphobia which is a continuation problem in our daily Life in every country, as an example to what happened in south africa University students urinating and gave the Black women to drnk.I s this fair???Or accusing Senator Obama being a Muslim by wearing Somali Clothes? why did President Bush wear a Jew Kufi or Senator Clinton wear Hijab?where is Democracy...
Tyra!!People should learn alot from your programmes to get rid of the "Paradigm" of Rasism.
Regards.
Hussein
Saudi Arabia
Posted by: Hussein | March 1, 2008 7:25 AM
I love the way the chick was open and frank. She is the type I would seriousely want to meet.
Posted by: Christopher | March 1, 2008 6:36 AM
Hello Tyra,
Just happened to watch your show "the moment of truth " where you were the victim of your own show strapped by the lie detector. Incidently I am a Singaporean and so naturally watched it from Singapore.
Wish to congratulate on your brilliant performance and generousity which must have touched and changed so many lives in the US.
I am a great admirer of your show - lyiar - rather you as a gorgeous lady Tyra - thats the truth !!!
You are very gentle in the way you carry yourself, compassionate and passionately sincere. There is absolutely no reason for you to be envious of oprah winfrey - you know why - you are the Queen of all these shows - thats the truth and NO flattery Tyra !!!
Should you in the future pass by Singapore or even wish to contact me for some reason or other, of course I love to - here is my no:+65-9810-4119 or +65-6755-4163.
God Bless U Tyra,
Francis Xaviar
SINGAPORE
Posted by: Francis Xaviar | February 29, 2008 1:46 PM
Hey Tyra i love your show my problem is im 21 and i look 14. I just got out of a five year ship.Im trying to moved on but i dont wear makeup some i dont know how to apply it on and i just wont guys to notice me my age.Also im short and look young i just wont people to take me serious.Help me im not a little girl anymore!!!
Posted by: Samantha | February 29, 2008 12:00 PM
Surmise u doing wonderfully well. I do really enjoy ur programme though I started watching not quite long ago.Hope u wld continue giving us much wonderful pieces
Posted by: Ottuh | February 29, 2008 11:31 AM
Ms.Banks,it,s a pleasure to be able to talk with you. I ENJOY watching your show when i can get the chance. My reason for writting you is pretaining to your show of Feb.29th,2008. My enterest in Ms. Latechal the 29 yr. old sister wanting a child (baby). I would like to met heer and family, i to am single with out childern and would love to be a daddy,husband,provider. The rest im sure the right woman woukd knonw. If she is enterested in talking you MAY give her my info;phone number and e-mail, we can work this out together, who knows we might be the "RIGHT".... KEN
Posted by: Kenneth W. Boysaw | February 29, 2008 11:16 AM
Hi Tyra My Name is Elizabeth Burruel I would Love To Be on your show to tell you how my life is....
1st Im 15 Live in Arizona With my Unkle An Tia And There 5kids My Mother is disable AN was rapped this is the reson why i here.i go to school i love it i want to do somthing with me life and suport her. My grandma usto take care of me and my mother she passed the way Augest 2007 since then me and me Mom have been split up i sumtimes live house to house with family members when i am not getting along with my unkle well if theres somthing yopu can do =] youd be life saver i love to meet you
Posted by: Elizabeth | February 29, 2008 10:05 AM