How to Rebuild a Relationship Once Trust is Broken

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Family therapist, Stacy Kaiser, says that the betrayal of trust is one of the hardest hurdles to get over in any relationship. An apology is usually never enough to fix the damage. In order to help you get started on the road to rebuilding a relationship after you have broken someone's trust, you first need to know some of the big Do's and Don'ts...




  • DON'T blame the other person. Only you are responsible for your behaviors and actions.

  • DON'T make excuses for what you have done.

  • DON'T tell the person that you have hurt to "get over it."

  • DON'T rush the person into trusting you again, they may need time.

  • DO apologize immediately.

  • DO take responsibility for what you did wrong, and let the person whose trust you broke know that you realize that you made a mistake.

  • DO be willing to make amends. Let the other person know what you are willing to do to repair the relationship.

  • DO be open to hearing the person's anger and pain without interrupting them.

Lastly, after all of the above things have been taken care of and you both agree it's time to move forward, you need to leave the past in the past and not continue to keep bringing up all of the painful details.

For more information about Stacy Kaiser, you can visit www.stacykaiser.com

Comments

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Dear Tyra,
Am 27 years old and my husband is 26 years old he cheated on me with and older woman who is 32 years old and she is married we have seperated 2 times because of this and i still love him and want to be with him but he is still talking to her everyday more than he talks to me but they are not messing around anymore wen i talk to him it seems like he be rushing me off the phone i dont know what to do anymore me and my kids want to go back home and he says that e needs time to get hisself right before we can come back what should i do tyra is my marriage of 7years over?

hey TYra Banks i just want to say that you are the best role model for young teens as well as for adults. Tyra i dont really know how this works because its the first time i;ve ever asked any one for advice over the internet but lets see how it goes. Tyra im 18yrs. old and i've been dating this guy for 1yr and5 months and i just cant seem to trust him please Tyra help me. Im about to loose my guy if i dont get help on how to trust him and how to control my jealousy. Tyra i was in a relationship with a guy for 3 years and he ended up cheating on me with 2 different girls and ended up having a kid with one of them. i broke up with him and started talkin to my current boyfriend and ever since its been so hard to trust and so hard not to be jealous i keep telling him im going to change but its just too hard. Also he LOVES to party and i dont like that i think that parting is for single people for people that dont have girlfriends or anything else to do but when i tell my boyfriend that he gets mad and says that prting is not for single people tyra please help me out. love ya magali.

heya tyra hw r u i have been in my relationship for 4yrs ad have been married for 4yrs coming up 5yrs in july 28th i do nt trust my husband i would like 2 bt every time i do he brokes tht trust ad i do nt n wht 2 do all his freinds say tht i am 2 gd 4 hm he hs done ths 5 times 2 me ad our 2 kids i do feel somethg 4 hm because of our girls bt i do nt n if i love hm if i say tht i do love hm it wll be a lie

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i just want to congradulate u on your show.....im surprised to see that so many people are feeling the pain that i feel...well let me tell u my story....i am 19 yrs old. I have a daughter of 2 yrs old and i am married.....i've been with my husband for 5 yrs and married to him for 1 yr....we had a beautiful relationship and were very happy with each other and loved each other deeply....but everything changed about 5 months ago....i've suspected him of cheating because he wasn't putting his family first, he was never home, there were times that he wouldnt even come home for nights, he was mentally and verbally abusing me i felt so bad about myself, my daughter never seen her father it was like we were living together but had seperate lives. Everytime that i had to make plans i never included him because i knew that he wasnt going to be able to come...i was so stressed out, i couldnt eat or sleep thinking about what he was doing. well i confronted him and he would always sound so convincing when he would say that he wasnt cheating on me...hes also a very good liar...well just a month ago he told me that he needed to speak to me and he revealed all the truth he said that he had cheated on me 2 times and that they both got pregnant. Supposibly one had an abortion and the other is keeping it..when he told me this a was so devastated because we always tell each other the truth and i just didnt know what to do..he apologized and told me that he had to tell me because he loved me so much and that he was tired of hurting me.....so after 2 wks i took him back because he kept begging and telling me that he was going to change..we are together and he has improved with a lot of things...but everytime we conversate i end up bringing it up...i cant stop the pain and i cant stop thinking about what he did to me...i just want to know if i made the right decision taking him back....

i just want to congradulate u on your show.....im surprised to see that so many people are feeling the pain that i feel...well let me tell u my story....i am 19 yrs old. I have a daughter of 2 yrs old and i am married.....i've been with my husband for 5 yrs and married to him for 1 yr....we had a beautiful relationship and were very happy with each other and loved each other deeply....but everything changed about 5 months ago....i've suspected him of cheating because he wasn't putting his family first, he was never home, there were times that he wouldnt even come home for nights, he was mentally and verbally abusing me i felt so bad about myself, my daughter never seen her father it was like we were living together but had seperate lives. Everytime that i had to make plans i never included him because i knew that he wasnt going to be able to come...i was so stressed out, i couldnt eat or sleep thinking about what he was doing. well i confronted him and he would always sound so convincing when he would say that he wasnt cheating on me...hes also a very good liar...well just a month ago he told me that he needed to speak to me and he revealed all the truth he said that he had cheated on me 2 times and that they both got pregnant. Supposibly one had an abortion and the other is keeping it..when he told me this a was so devastated because we always tell each other the truth and i just didnt know what to do..he apologized and told me that he had to tell me because he loved me so much and that he was tired of hurting me.....so after 2 wks i took him back because he kept begging and telling me that he was going to change..we are together and he has improved with a lot of things...but everytime we conversate i end up bringing it up...i cant stop the pain and i cant stop thinking about what he did to me...i just want to know if i made the right decision taking him back....

i just want to congradulate u on your show.....im surprised to see that so many people are feeling the pain that i feel...well let me tell u my story....i am 19 yrs old. I have a daughter of 2 yrs old and i am married.....i've been with my husband for 5 yrs and married to him for 1 yr....we had a beautiful relationship and were very happy with each other and loved each other deeply....but everything changed about 5 months ago....i've suspected him of cheating because he wasn't putting his family first, he was never home, there were times that he wouldnt even come home for nights, he was mentally and verbally abusing me i felt so bad about myself, my daughter never seen her father it was like we were living together but had seperate lives. Everytime that i had to make plans i never included him because i knew that he wasnt going to be able to come...i was so stressed out, i couldnt eat or sleep thinking about what he was doing. well i confronted him and he would always sound so convincing when he would say that he wasnt cheating on me...hes also a very good liar...well just a month ago he told me that he needed to speak to me and he revealed all the truth he said that he had cheated on me 2 times and that they both got pregnant. Supposibly one had an abortion and the other is keeping it..when he told me this a was so devastated because we always tell each other the truth and i just didnt know what to do..he apologized and told me that he had to tell me because he loved me so much and that he was tired of hurting me.....so after 2 wks i took him back because he kept begging and telling me that he was going to change..we are together and he has improved with a lot of things...but everytime we conversate i end up bringing it up...i cant stop the pain and i cant stop thinking about what he did to me...i just want to know if i made the right decision taking him back....

i just want to congradulate u on your show.....im surprised to see that so many people are feeling the pain that i feel...well let me tell u my story....i am 19 yrs old. I have a daughter of 2 yrs old and i am married.....i've been with my husband for 5 yrs and married to him for 1 yr....we had a beautiful relationship and were very happy with each other and loved each other deeply....but everything changed about 5 months ago....i've suspected him of cheating because he wasn't putting his family first, he was never home, there were times that he wouldnt even come home for nights, he was mentally and verbally abusing me i felt so bad about myself, my daughter never seen her father it was like we were living together but had seperate lives. Everytime that i had to make plans i never included him because i knew that he wasnt going to be able to come...i was so stressed out, i couldnt eat or sleep thinking about what he was doing. well i confronted him and he would always sound so convincing when he would say that he wasnt cheating on me...hes also a very good liar...well just a month ago he told me that he needed to speak to me and he revealed all the truth he said that he had cheated on me 2 times and that they both got pregnant. Supposibly one had an abortion and the other is keeping it..when he told me this a was so devastated because we always tell each other the truth and i just didnt know what to do..he apologized and told me that he had to tell me because he loved me so much and that he was tired of hurting me.....so after 2 wks i took him back because he kept begging and telling me that he was going to change..we are together and he has improved with a lot of things...but everytime we conversate i end up bringing it up...i cant stop the pain and i cant stop thinking about what he did to me...i just want to know if i made the right decision taking him back....

Dear Tyra,
I need some advice...theres this guy i have been with him for 2 years and i have hurt him by talking on the phone with my ex a couple times now its my third time i've hurt him and i dont want to do this to him but i dont know...my ex already has a gf and they both called my boyfriend and told him that i still call him and they even sent him email's i sent him and now my boyfriend said that it will never be the same again and that nothings going to work out for us but we still talk to each other over the phone and he says to keep one thing in mind that he doesnt love me but he will still talk to me...but he doesnt talk to me nicely he just reminds me of how i hurt him. i still love him and i have now realized that how much i have hurt him but i just cant take that fact that it will not work out again...so i need some advice about what i should do and wether i can do something to make it work again...thank Aman

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DEAR TYRA, I JUST WANNA SAY THAT I LOVE YOUR TOP MODEL SHOW AND TALK SHOW. I HAD A BOYFRIEND FOR 2 YEARS AND HE LEFT ME FOR A NOTHER WOMEN I WAS VERY HURT BEHIND THAT,AFTER 2 MORE YEARS PASS HE WANTING TO COME BACK HE WAS A VERY GOOD MAN WITH MY 2 BOYS AND ME BUT SOMETHING HAPPEN SO HE LEFT NOW HE'S BACK AND IM SO SCARED, I WANNA MOVE SO THAT WE CAN HAVE A BETER LIFE, BUT ITS SO HARD FOR ME I DONT HAVE A JOB AND I LIVE IN LOW INCOME BUILDINGS TYRA PLEASE HELP ME MOVE FOR THE SAKE OF MY CHILDREN IT'S VERY BAD WERE I LIVE AND ALOT OF SHOOTING MY CHILDREN ARE SCARED FOR THEY LIFE SO PLEASE TYRA HELP ME EVEN IF U CANT JUST WRITE ME BACK THANK YOU AND LOVE U ROSA MAUHHHHH

Dear Tyra,
My name is Elrika, I am from South Africa and absolutly adore your show.I am 20 yaers old and I never mis a show. I know you probly get this alot but I need some advise. I don't have anyone to ask for help as me and my family don't get along very well. Me and my boyfriend of 2 yaers and 7 months have broken up. I made alot of mistakes that led to this. He workes away and I hardley saw him. Then everything started falling apart. I started getting covused and felt alone all the time. I couln't and still can't sleep. I got mixed up with the wrong croud and started loosing myself. It went up to the piont where I couln't reconise myself any more. When I looked in the mirror Istared back at a total stranger.Then one day at a movie night me and a so called friend kissed. It started going to far and I got scared so I stopped and walked away. I fealt guilty and after that I started lieing to cover up for someone I thought I could trust. Lieing to my boyfriend so that she can cheat on hers. I couln't take it any more and had relaps into depression. I decided to tell him the truth. But my so called friends beat me to the piont. We are still very good friends but I miss him with everything I am. After we broke up I lost everything. I lost my home, I don't have a job and is struggling to get one. And I lost the one person who always believed in me and who loved me for whom I am. Please help me get my man back. One more thing. A few yaers back he had a child with a nother woman. She took off with the child and it broke him. He didn't hear from her for 3 yaers. A few weaks back she phoned him. Know he wants to take the child. I don't mind looking after the child as my own becuase I cant have children. I think thats why he is scared to take me back. I would love that child with all my haert. Thank you for reading my story. I truly hope you can help me. God bless. Elrika Delport

HI TYRA,
I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR 6 YRS. THE RELATIONSHIP WAS GOOD IN THE BEGINING, UNTIL HE WENT TO JAIL. HE WENT TO JAIL I CHEATED. I TOLD HIM AND HE FORGAVE ME AND GAVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE.WE HAD A LITTLE GIRL WHO IS 2 YRS OLD NOW.ABOUT 3 MONTHS AFTER I GAVE BIRTH HE WENT BACK TO JAIL. WE STAYED IN CONTACT.EVERY THING WAS STILL GOOD.WHEN HE GOT RELEASED I TOLD HIM I CHEATED ON HIM AGAIN.HE WAS SO HURT WE WERE GOING THROUGH IT ARGUING OVER EVERYTHING WE WERE STILL TOGETHER, STAYING TOGETHER EVERYTHING.UNTIL ONE DAY WE GOT INTO A BIG ARGUMENT OVER A PHONE CALL.HE STARTED GOING OUT MEETING NEW FEMALES WHAT NOT AND I DIDN'T APPRECIATE THAT. SO WE DECIDED THAT WE WOULD GIVE EACH OTHER SOME SPACE.I MEAN I JUST WANT HIM BACK AND I KNOW THAT IT IS GOING TO BE HARD FOR HIM TO TRUST ME AFTER CHEATING ON HIM TWICE.SO WHAT CAN OR SHOULD I DO? WE STILL TALK HE STILL TELLS ME HE LOVES ME AND WILL NEVER EVER STOP LOVING ME.I JUST BEEN SO STRESSED OUT BECAUSE OF THE SIMPLE FACT THAT HE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE THE ONE THAT I SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH.HE IS MY EVERYTHING, HE IS THE ONE THAT KEEPS ME MOTIVATED. IT HAS BEEN VERY HARD BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH WE STILL TALK IT'S LIKE HE IS REALLY TRYING TO GET OVER ME AND I DON'T WANT THAT.SO PLEASE TYRA HELP ME. I NEED IT BAD BECAUSE I WANT TO BE WITH HIM AGAIN.

Hello,Tyra
My boyfriend has bad trust issues with me im scared that he will never trust me. I have hurt him in the past.Being that he doesn't trust me its hard for me to even talk to him.I constantly have questions about him cheating, i feel like i need to feel the same way he feels. I feel like damn do something so it could be even and you could trust me again.

HI Tyra,

I would first like to start off by saying that Ilove your show and you always look great. Now here goes the drama I have been with my boyfriend off and on since I was 13 years old,I am 20 years old. This last past year has really been bad he cheated me. We broke up and after the "I will never do it again" speech we got back togather.Then a few months ago I went to see him and the same girl was standing at his car talking with him. They both said nothing was going on but the question still reamins why she at your car in the first place? Now he and I are separated, so my question to you is should I forgive him or just leave him in the dirt?

Hello Trya

Before i start I want to say I love your show and you always look great. I have been with my boyfriend off and on since I was 13 years old and I am 20 years old.This last past year he has cheated on me with this female and we broke up.A few months later we got back togather and i had forgiven him.then just a few months ago this same girl came back up he did not cheat (that i know about)however i went over his house and she was standing at his car.they both said nothing was going on but the question remains why was she at his car? Since that happened we have been separated. However we still talk and everything has been Great!!! My question to you is should i give this a second chance or just leave him in the dirt?
-confused

Hi, Trya I am with everyone in saying I love your show and that you have inspired me as an adult and dealing with my childhood. My question is about my marriage, I have been married now for two years and we have two beautiful children that are one and two. We only dated for three weeks before deciding to get married and then were pregnant immediately afterwards. Due to stress and lack of maturity we split after only three months and were seperated for over a year. We now are trying to heal our marriage and have moved in together again and are happy , however we do not agree on anything. When I say anything I mean it down to toilet paper and snacks for our children. Everyone is strained and stressed and it seems to not be working out. In addition to the daytime life our sex life also is suffering I gained 90 pounds with both pregnancies and little time in between to lose any weight and my wonderful confidence I used to have is gone.I am stuck and refuse to give up again any tips on how we BOTH could adjust and feel for each other.

I am 39 and he is 36. We been married for 6 years wihtout children. We had past separation due to issues on trusting and suspicous of him having affairs.
But was finally patch back again. 1 and half months just before marriage, 4 months in early 2007 of silence distance. Now he starting to hang out late since 2 months ago.
I've been very suspicious nowsaday due to not trusting him. Moreover we do not have sex for 2 months.
Would you able to help?

I have been with my boyfriends for 3years now and he just told me for the second time that he got the same girl preganant and i want to leave him but i love him and want to work it out but don't kno what to do? i am confused tyra please help me? :(

salut TYRA je suis très coontente de vous écrire,meme si je suis désolée car je parle pas courament langlais ,je suis une jeune de nationalité marocaine,j'ai21ans ,je me suis trés touché par votre programe je le regarde toujours,je vais dans une societé ou il ya p de liberté pour cela je regard toujour les programes americains,ce qui me pose beaucous de problemes car dés que je quitte ma maison je me choc avecma cultre,parcontre que je suis ffiere de ma culture mais je crois que votre culture est trés riche en comparent avec notre culture,ce qui m'a donner deux culture,j'aimerais b1 etre l'une de vos visireurs,ssi vous avez faire un aprograme lié les personne assumés avec les programees télévisés surtt si ils sont de differents payés,cultures,couleur,exxx
donc je vous souhaaaites plus de réussite et gros bisouuuuuuuuuuuuuus

Hello Tyra,
As I was watching your show Friday September 07,2007 regarding using drugs to loose weight, I really did see the care and concern that you had for the young lady that accepted the help that was offered to her. I would love to konow the out come.
Sincerely,
Gretchen

Tyra, I also need help with my relationship. I've knew my man since freshman year in High School. We started getting close in 10th grade. Then when senior year came, we started going out. Everything started of good but them I had a new Year's eve party and I only danced raggae to 1 song. So then I decided to tell him and he got really angry at me. I told him I was really sorry and that I wouldn't do it again. I was really hurt and I feel like a total idiot for doing this. I've hurt him. A little while later he forgave me. Now I feel like my relationship is coming to an end because I messed up a few more times. I'm so scared that I might end up losing him. I love him so much and he is the first guy I have ever falling in love with. He tells me that he is starting to lose feelings for me because of the things I've done. He has also mention that he is starting to careless about me. I'm so devestated right about now. I don't want to lose the only person I have ever loved in my whole entire life. He makes me smile and laugh and he makes me feel wanted.I'm so scared Tyra. If I lose him, I think I won't be able to date again. TYRA PLEASE HELP ME!! I don't want to lose him.

 

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