here's one for you my husband and i have not had sex for five years, I recently lost my father, I had to fly to cali from conn. for his funeral and he no more put me on a plane before he is accessing porn off pay per view while alone in the house with our five year old daughter....Yes I Have Issues

Dear Dr. Keith,
Please help me. I am 29, my husband is 40 and we've been married for 18 months. My husband and I used to live in different countries and just moved together about 4 months ago. Times he went to visit me he was all love, romance and sex, ever since I've moved here things changed. Everynight is a different excuse, or tired because of his job, headache, stomachache, knee ache, not in the mood..... he has been fighting a lot with me and I feel like he is always finding excuses to stay away from me.
I try to talk to him, but he is a very closed person... I don't know what to do.... I love him soooooo much, I take care of myself for him, try always different approachs but it is like nothing works. Sex went down from 3 times a week to 2 times a month....

Please help me!

I am so glad I am not the only married woman not having sex. I have gained about 50 lbs and my husband has gained right along with me. He is bi-polar but has no sex drive. He tells me that he doesn't like having sex with me because it is difficult due to both of us being "fat".

Before my husband & I met and before we were even married I had a sex drive and loved it. I was playful during sex and it was fun. After marrying my husband (mormon - non practicing), he told me he feels guitly about having sex. I don't know what to do anymore. I need some advice. I am trying to work through his BP and this. It is amazing how everything is my fault. He tells me all I need to do is exercise and I will lose weight, that will save our marriage.

I just don't know anymore. Dr Keith if you read all these postings and you can help me I need it. I don't have any insurance, I can't afford marriage counseling, a therapist & meds for my husband. I need ideas on what to do.

I am in my early 20's and have the same issue...my husband simply doesn't want to have sex anymore. His excuse is that he works hard and comes home tired. I happen to be the one who is always in the mood, despite the fact that I also get tired watching my 3 year old and am 6 months pregnant. Its gotten to the point that I just started wearing sweats and t-shirts to bed, thinking that he doesn't care what I am wearing. Many times I have tried to talk to him, and ask him if there is anything wrong, something that I can do differently, something we can change. But everytime I ask his reply is "Is sex all you think about?!" Well, if I was getting some I wouldn't be complaining right? I am really trying, but he doesn't seem to make an effort. I love him and don't want to cheat, self-pleasure does not substitue for sex. We've been married four years and I go without sex for months at a time, I don't know what to do.........

When we first got married sex was great. But as the kids came along, we became "Mom and Dad". We got so busy being "Mom and Dad" that we forgot how to be husband and wife. Now the kids are gone, but so is the sex drive.

I have been married for less then 2 years and it seem that I've lost my sexual drive. My husband always wants sex, but the way he goes about it is childish in a way to me. I love my husband and find him really atractive. But I don't know whats going on with me. I had just resently had surgery on one of my ovaries and also on my mouth. But this was happening before. I've lost my sexual drive and really want it back I love my husband, but I don't know what I need to do. Please is there any help for me to make my husband happy? from the show today I've got some Ideas. Thank you

I am only 20 years old about to be 21 in a month. I have two children 2 and 1. They are my life. Every since I have had them I don't feel like having sex with my husband. I love him so much but I don't like to even think about having sex with him. He begs me for it all the time and I always say no. I know he feels really bad because I don't want to have sex anymore. But I just don't know what to do. We have alot of problems in our relationship and I don't know if it is because of that or not. Here recently I had sex with one of my husbands friends. I was really wasted and I was really mad at my husband. But now it just seems that every time I get drunk around him we find some kind of way to go have sex together. My husband has no ideal that this is happening. I want to tell him but I just can't break his heart like that. Don't get me wrong I want to be with my husband but I just don't feel the same as I did when we first got together. What should I do?

My husband stopped the sex and SAYS he "doesn't see me that way". Nothing specific. When we first met sex was GREAT - he claims it was all "for fun" - didn't intend on it getting serious - 2 kids, several pounds, and 12 years later I'm being told I'm bi-polar and just horrible to live with. HEY MISTER!! How's about some closeness and GIVING over here to help this old lady feel like a WOMAN!!! Even our short lived counseling lady TOLD him to give it up - at that time he was "punishing" me for having a friend he really disliked. It all makes sense to ME - he can't get the picture! HELP!!!!

I am about to turn 24...& now I am scared. I haven't even been in love. I wouldn't be able to stay in a love less relationship. I think postpartum depression plays a big part in some families, but maybe like u and the lady Dr. said those people get caught up in everyday life (work and kids) that they start to see it as a job. I do believe in the saying that “knowledge is power”. If people would stop thinking that everyone (especially their partners) knows what is going on inside there head and start shearing and expressing themselves maybe those pent up feelings will finally erupted…in a good way if u know what I mean. Once they start talking they can be open once again. I believe that everyone knows exactly what is bothering them…they just don’t let it out. Everything gets bottled up and they start to build walls. For those who have been married for years and the love and the sex is gone…ask your “MATE 4 A DATE”! U guys have change, so get to know one another again. Wish me luck in love! ~Jen

first off Ginger it goes both ways in my marriage I am the one who is visual and me and my husband watch porn together or look at other women together (I am bi I just do not act upon my attractions any longer since being married) but I am the one with "bedroom issues" in our relationship... But we work together and we have been working through it and yes sometimes we have to force it a bit but we do what we need to in order to make each other happy...

Dr. Keith,
I need your help. My husband refuses to havesex with me because of my weight. I was skinner before when we met but I had a baby. I CANT SEEM TO KEEP THE WEIGHT off. He accept that people change and things change. We have sex like twice a year. Its horrible, I know. Please help me.

Sincerly,
Becky

I am a 20 year old mother of 4. (3 were from my husband's previous marriages).Last year when I became pregnant with my daughter and my husband and my sex life went downhill. We had sex maybe every 3 to 4 weeks when beforehand it was at least every day. I understood that it was hormones and my husband took that into consideration. As soon as I gave birth do my daughter, my sex drive jumped back into action within 48 hours- but there was a problem. I realized I didn't want to have sex. I was extremely attracted to my husband, but I felt my body was so ugly with all the stretch marks and loose skin of childbirth, I couldn't even look at myself change clothes. Well, knowing my luck (which of course I don't regret), the first time my husband and I did have sex, I become pregnant again. Being due in 4 months, I realize my body will be going through all these "ugly" changes again. Yet, I still deal with the issues of being 20 and looking the way I do. It doesn't interfere with my relationship with my daughter, but it slows my sex life down tremendously and brings my self esteem to an undescribable low. I felt so much for the young mother who was lucky enough to recieve plastic surgery for her body-- who wants to be as young as 20 and can't wear bikinis or even feel secure in a tank top? I don't feel this makes young mothers selfish or irresponsible, or even unaware of the changes our bodies go through, but maybe we didn't realize how much it wouldn't go back to normal. And with that, causes the problems that we saw on the show.

I have been married 25 years and we have had NO SEX for 10 years plus...When we attempt it just wont work..We never fight. We stay here together and be here for our kids... , money is great...We just cant "do it" anymore and it scares me...Should I stay in the marriage?..My love is gone in that department and I was so young when I married I just have no answers....I work to stay focussed on that instead my "sexless marriage"

Please help me here...I am no sring chicken (44) but something has to help

Lisa of INDY

i totally identified with the women who found sex with her husband repulsive but still found him and other men attractive. and when she said that he had become her best friend i cried. i thought i was the only person in the world who had this problem because it's weird and unexplanable.i ended a 7 year relationship for this reason and many more and i realized from the show that the lack of a father figure contributed to my lack of trust in men and not being able to believe someone would want to stay with me and be faithful.now that i know i still don't know what to do about it.

The show was great. Really shows how younger couples can struggle with their sex life.What an eye opener. loved it livee it now got to move on. with a long road ahead.

A sexless marriage is terrible. She is my queen. As a man that is how I connect and become intimate with her. I don't understand what is wrong with me or if there is someone else. We have discussed it but it does not seem to change past the day we discuss it. I love her so very much. I think of looking for someone else for the intimacy but that is not what I want. I want it to be with her. But there is a huge piece of me missing.

I sort of understand what jordan and his wife are going through, I've been married over 17 years, and I'm not a happily married woman. The thought of being intimate with my spouse does nothing more then make me angry, I don't want to be touched, I don't feel good when we do, and I don't enjoy it anymore. You have to like the person your with in order to have a good sex life, and I feel that being friends is the most important part of the relationship. If your not happy, your not going to want to be with that person.

This has to be one of my favorite shows so far...probably because I could relate to every story there....eeeek, how sad is THAT!!!

Anyway, thank you Dr. Keith....you gave me a little more food for thought than usual as my sex life took a nose dive as soon as my husband became a daddy. You gave some quite interesting feedback. The only room for improvement that I'd like to mention was I wished you could have gone a little deeper with the couples....and a lot more deeper with the first couple. I think that a boob job is all well and good after the REAL problems were faced....and they weren't, and obviously were there. I think the focus on the breasts was mainly a distraction to what was really going on there, and the couple made that clear.

Still a good show though.

Kess

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have 3 daughters, our youngest is 10 yrs old. We used to have a great sex life (before the kids came) but it gotten worse since our last child was born. If we are lucky we may have sex once a week, but usually we go two or three weeks with nothing. It's me I know...I love him and I know he loves me. I used to be a sex crazed maniac, but then one day, it was like a switch was turned off and I can't get it to turn back on. I have to forse myself to be in the mood. Help, I feel I may loose my beloved husband, even though he says he loves me and won't leave. He swears this started when he got a vescetomy and knew I wanted one more child...I deny that. I now, due to medical reasons, had an hysterectomy. HELP,please Help!

Is this common in most relationships these days? Please let me know...cause I am confused about how to fix my relationship!

Kim L.S.

Dr.Keith I am in a sexless live in marriage...and what ever I do for myself (color my hair, paint my nails, and buy some new sexy outfit) never works out for us to lead to our bedroom & Sex! He always has an excuse that he is not in the mood. I think that his best friend is his sex partner & lover, do to he chooses to spend alot of time away from home, me and our bedroom! Well unless his best friend is over spending time at our home then he finds ways for me to leave with the kids and to spend time alone with his best friend.
I have caught them with the bedroom door locked and could'nt open it for a few minutes to find our bed to be unmad and pillows all over the bed.
Please let me know am I in a bi-sexual relationship or what?

Kimmy-

I have watched the show about " Save our sexless marriage.My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now we only have sex when he wants it and it has come down to maybe 2 to 3 times a week He dont touch me the way he use to there are things he use to do that he want do anymore He looks at picks of other women and they look alot diffrent than i do I had to have a hytsterectomy on oct 31 of this year an Im olny 27 years old He dosent hold me at night anymore he truns his back to me. My body has changed some i gain weight an loss it my breast are a b cup he says they need to be bigger an that I should get back to the size i was when we meet I am out of ideas and dont really know what I can do to get back what we once had.

Dixie

HAS ANYONE CONSIDERED THAT THIS LADY WHO JUST HAD A BABY MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION? SURE SOUNDS LIKE THE SAME THINGS I WENT THROUGH WITH EVERY SINGLE PREGNANCY AND AFTERWARDS. THE FIRST TIME I HAD NO CLUE WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME, BUT THANK GOD I FOUND OUT AND WAS BETTER PREPARED FOR THE NEXT TWO CHILDREN I HAD.

BTW I ALSO HATED SEX DURING THAT TIME AS WELL.

Dear Dr. Keith;

I am a forty-eight-year-old woman who has been married for 24 years and, boy oh boy, did your show today ever "hit home" with me. My husband has been suffering with depression for most of our married lives, which only adds to the dysfunctional nature of our marriage.

I am a very passionate woman and need not only the physical reward but also the psychological reward that a good sex life can offer. Unfortunately, my husband seems to only get aroused during daylight hours, usually when our children are home and when our five-year-old is banging at our bedroom door (we have a daughter, 20, Erin, Buddy, who is 16 and Michael.)
Needless to say, the time we spend "making love" is not satisfying -- at least not for me -- and I come away from these three to five-minute encounters feeling unfulfilled and am only greatful that I can look forward to my husband being in a better mood for the day!!

Unlike my husband, I usually feel sexually aroused most when nighttime falls. I cannot tell you how many times I have approached my husband, wanting to "get together," only to have him shrug his shoulders and say that he's just not in the mood and doesn't feel that he would be up to the "task at hand." (Isn't it a shame that I should even mention that he thinks of it as a "tssk"?) Ughhhh! I sometimes just shrug back at him, but as of late I have been REALLY ANGRY and I find myself saying things out loud that I probably should be keeping to myself, such as, "I'm tired of being lonely in this marriage. Why am I even married, if I am always alone? I can be alone and on my own just as well!" I know my husband feels bad about the situation but I feel even worse! Now that I've told you what's happening within my marriage, let me tell you what's happening all around it, and this is something that I wonder is happening to/with other women, as well:

In the past ten years, I have lived in a great neighborhood with very good neighbors. During the years of friendship and as we all grew closer through our interaction, (except, of course, for my husband, as he rarely wanted anything to do with "my little friends," as he would so hurtfully put it) I became involved sexually with two of these couples, individually, often joining them for "hot tub fun" or other three-some fun, where, for me, intercourse was not involved. As you can imagine, this was an exciting change for me from my otherwise nonexistent sex life and I looked forward to getting together with my friends, whatever the reason.

Unfortunately, in the last two years, three out of three of these friends couples have now divorced. I still maintain my friendship with both the women and men, but I also continue to maintain a sexual relationship with the men. My husband by no means knows of my adulterous affairs and I know it would absolutely destroy our marriage, if he were to find out. I feel terrible guilt over the mess which I, myself, have created but still long to be with and get both emotional and sexual gratification from these sexual encounters.

I am wondering if there are other women, you might say "desparate housewives,"
who may find themselves in the same or similar situation as I. I know what I am doing is terribly wrong, but I also feel gratified, knowing that I am needed and wanted by these men, who also take time to satisfy my own wants and needs.

The depth of loneliness and sorrow I feel from really the loss of my husband as my lover has quite literally overtaken my sensabilities and though I pray to God that my husband does not ever discover what I've done, I also know that without
these men in my life that I would surely be seeking a way out of my marriage and somehow I, in my heart of hearts, forgive my terrible behavior, even if my husband would or could not.

I am writing in regards to the episode that aired today, on 11/21/2006.

I think the more appropriate way to handle this would have been to ask the couple why they chose partners who have different POV on porn than themselves, rather than ask the one who feels degraded by it to "give it a chance". What kind of advice is that? And then to humiliate the lady further by making her question her "issues" with her father. (???) Again, that would have more to do with why she chose her husband rather than why she's not okay with her husband turning to porn.

Porn is not a need, it's a desire. It very much comes between a couple. It is a fact that when one is looking to it for stimulation & even gratification, they are turning away from their partner.

The wife was "informed" that her husband chose her because he loves her & no one "calls" the women in porn. Well, why can't he set that stuff aside out of respect for her? If he truly needs external stimulation to enjoy sex with his wife & she is a willing lover, he needs to address his reasons for choosing someone he's not attracted to.

Sex is a very important part of a marriage & should not be seen as simply a physical act. It is one of the most intimate things that a couple can share only with each other.

Dr. Ablow, you basically asked that wife to ignore & set aside her basic need for respect for her husbands desires/hobbies. I truly feel you gave poor advice on today's episode.

I watched the show for the first time today, and I was surprised that the saggy boob chick blames her husband for "trapping" her by knocking her up, did she do anything to prevent pregnancy?? Obviously not. Let's not lay blame on the husband for her mental issues, her baby may someday see this episode and feel resented by mom and that will be another episode.Will dad be blamed for that too??

This show could mirror my life - and it is both gut-wrentching and utterly infuriating at the same time!!! I feel for the guys you've had on the show because I am one of them... I have been faithfully married to a gorgeous woman, with whom I have fathered five beautiful children, and we have been trying to make a life of it. I am the only child of a single mom who basically raised himself and was on his own at the age of 17; she is a foster child, abused and abandoned by her mother, adopted away from her home country (Colombia) by emotionally abusive parents (the male molested her), then shuffled to another foster home (where the male was found guilty of molesting his foster girls) until she ended up with another abusive foster mom (who tried to dictate her every waking moment) - she has been raised by crazies and nuts! She has been diagnosed with clinical depression, which she first expressed as passivity, which has turned to anger and aggression - which has caused even more conflict on top of our poor sexual relationship... Our relationship was great until three months into our marriage, but with her first pregnancy, she utterly and completely changed - and pretty much refuses to change back. First she siad it was because of her hormones - and I believe this to be true, as she has a congential thyroid defect that left her without a full hormone response - but 85% is between the ears. When everything first went to down, I'll admit, I was not the most considerate or sensitive about it because I truly didn't know who or what I was dealing with: when a women wants to snuggle up to you, and hug you, caress you, lie next to you naked but doesn't want to do anything else, it will make your blood boil - especially if she is your wife!!! Well, I gave the [regrettably silly] ultimatum that if we weren't going to have sex, then don't even come near me - for my own protection. I felt extremely hurt, betrayed and abandoned because she changed and didn't seem to care, didn't want to try to go and get check out nor try anything to fix it.

Needless to say, it made our marriage very tumultuous. After our first child was born after a hard 48-hour labor in which she almost died of toxemia and her perineum was torn (2nd degree), sex went from not interested, to being painful - and boy, that really helped a lot! But she didn't want to go to the doctor; she violently refused! I took that to mean that she didn't care and I wasn't happy about it. I basically was like, well f*@# you then, since I don't seem to be important enough to get help. Our relationship spiraled downhill: her at home with a new baby, no family, no friends and me at work not wanting to be around her - I can see now she was trapped in a nightmare, but she sure wasn't breaking down the bedroom door or the door at the library, Barnes & Noble or the doctor to make things better, either... I didn't [nor have ever] cheat[ed] on her, nor did I think about leaving her, but man, did I wish I could reprogram or upgrade her personality. She made me miserable - accusing me of cheating, since she wasn't making any effort to be with me, and always putting herself down. I made the mistake of [repeated] calling her crazy; it didn't help. We went for any entire year without having sex, and the next time we did, she got pregnant - right away! I said and will say to the day that I die that I was cheated - because I was... And we had three more kids after that: she had two IUDs fail (which are supposed to be 99.98% effective, but I guess she is that .02 percent of the human population...) - and had two girls, then I got a triple-tack vasectomy (cut, clipped and cauterized) - and she had another boy!

Things finally came to a head when I finally sought some personal and emotional counseling after an incident where she called the police on me after choking me first, and I saw how me behaving the way I did was making me miserable. No, our relationship wasn't getting better, but at least I was able to make peace with the fact that this may not be the 'until death do us part' marriage I had been striving for... She says she saw a complete turnaround in my behavior toward her - but it hasn't changed anything. I asked her to take the class and she promised she would in 2 weeks after my completion; it took nearly a year, but she did it - and hasn't used a damn thing she supposedly learned. Now granted, she claims her behavior was responsive to mine, which I'll admit, but since my behavior has changed, her has has gotten worse. She curses at me now, she calls me names now, and she still breaks her promises for sex. I've gotten her books, she won't read them ("They have nothing to tell me"). I've suggested doctors, she wouldn't go until recently] ("They won't do anything, anyway...") Things have gotten worse since I finally got her to go to therapy (couples, individuals and psychiatric) I'm still low priority, not worthy of any effort, still not getting reciprocity (no dress-up, no effort, no frequency, and I hate drone ex: "Can I just lay there?"). Hell, I even offered her oral sex and an orgasm everyday for a month, no strings attached and her interest didn't last a day - she asks me if I can handle such a comittement!!!... I am now beyond patience: I'm to the point where I'm looking for other relationships and that's when I know it's time to go. Only, I can't: I was permanently disabled about 3 years into our marriage and she helps takes care of me. And oh yeah, I have five school-aged kids...

Arrrrgggghhhh!

Dr. Keith? No freaking way are you suggesting to any woman that she should accept a man in her life sitting around looking at pornography. Almost anyone who has lived that lifestyle will later tell you that it is their biggest regret and cost them alot more than their bodies. It is degrading to both men and women yet you seem to rank as nothing more than playing video games on friday night. Doctor,,,if you continue to teach men that pornography is a natural part of life, we will continue to have a society of men who looks at women as nothing more than sex objects, which explains why 1 in 4 women in the U.S claim to be sexually molested before the age of 18. 1953 put pornography into the hands of the masses. Over 50 years later we can see the results. Any thinking person can see that legalized porn hurts women and hurts society. Shame on you for making light of something that has hurt so many people. This young girl and her husband need to experiment "without porn" in their lives. This girl is insecure because she lives in a world where men tell her that how she looks is far more important than who she is.

What does your dear wife say to you doing arithmetic on the air regarding your relationship? With mental arithmetic you could make mistakes. She'll correct you.

As to Ashley, I wonder if restoration will help her. What about this madness in our culture obsessed with appearance and body parts? It is impossible to even find an ordinary bra that does not mimic plastic surgery.

Tracey Cox had interesting suggestions and you, Dr. Keith, see, of course, roots of problems. Why are we so blind to them?

But there is no new novel from you this year (or did I miss it?). If you are too busy, read Trollope's autobiography.

I've been in a sexless marriage for 6 years. Sex actually stopped during our wedding night. (She was pregnant with our first child). Things haven't changed since.

The first 2 years were hard, but bearable. We saw a therapist, but no results. The 3rd to 6th year, she bacame obese and we kept postponing any action (further councelling, talk of seperation or divorce). I'm at the pont where I feel a deep resentment towards her, and feel the only way out is seperation leading to divorce. Any advice would be appreciated.

I just watched your episode save our sexless marriage. ashleys story hit me in a very deep way. I know exactly how shes feeling and like her i wish these feelings would just go away. Im 21 and i have a 3 year old child, just ike her im faced with the difficulty of being a young mom. I wake up every morning angry about my breast which are just flabs of skin and my stomach wich hangs. Theres no sex in our house and all we do is fight about this because of my insecurities. I felt a kind of conection with her, and to hear her story really made me feel like im not alone and thses feelings are somewhat normal.

I was floored that your first guest is going to receive free plastic surgery. It seems to me that her issues go far beyond feeling uncomfortable with her breast after child birth. The home video footage showed an immature, angry young woman, and I highly doubt that giving her bigger breasts is going to fix the real underlying issues. I liked the show until this episode. I hope this show isn't going in the direction of Maury Povich!!!!!!!!!!

Hi-I'm a first time viewer - I usually work during the day, so I'd never seen the show before. I was amazed by the show's topic, as I am in a sexless marriage. We have been married 10 years, and sex was very very good for the first few years. It has just tapered off to now maybe every other month. Lately, I've been trying everything I can think of to seduce my husband, but he just falls asleep...The couple on the show with two kids and the wife that was not interested kind of struck home, as my husband's mother was not around when he was a kid, and his step mom was abusive. Perhaps he is associating me being the mother of his child with his relationship with his mother. It gives me ideas and new approaches to try. Thanks!

I saw your show about the couple where the married woman you said "was showing her insecurities" because her husband liked looking at porn and told her to look at it with him and get "into it a little bit" so you won't fear that he will replace her. GET REAL!!!! Ever heard of respect? She was a pretty woman. WHAT DECENT WOMAN WANTS HER MAN LOOKING AT OTHER NUDE WOMEN? Since when did that become OK?
I don't respect your response at all... you are all Hollywoodized (if there was such a word)...in other words, whatever goes, goes. Disgusting!!! How would the husband feel if she had a few more "male friends" ... you know, because the poor man is visual and since women are emotional, how would he like that? Same thing, right?
I AM SO SICK OF MEN THINKING THAT WOMAN SHOULD JUST PUT UP WITH IT...the Bible says: if a man even looks at another woman with lust, he is committing adultery. Get it? Society does what it wants to make everything seem okay for their own ways. And apparently you think nothing at all wrong with it...
I could not believe the advice you gave her!

And, why should I believe a man when he tells me he loves me and won't leave me? Why shouldn't I believe he's lying if he needs to look at other women to be happy? That tells me he would not only look, but also touch when I am not around. That tells me he hasn't found everything he's looking for in me. If he will look while he is with me, he will touch when I am away!! Why am I not enough for him? Will he find what he's looking for in somebody else? Nine times out of ten.....yes he will!!!